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So what is a newyorksubalien...

I’m a New York subalien. Don’t get me wrong, I’m perfectly legal – it’s just my loving other half, official alien that he is, comes with a so-called “supermodel” visa that apparently denotes him as one possessing extraordinary abilities (falling asleep within 5 minutes of sitting down in front of the TV, remembering only 2 of the 3 items on a mental shopping list and not knowing where the dishwasher tablets live after 2 years in our apartment are just some of his many talents).

The same visa leaves me extraordinarily unable to possess that most American of entities - a “social” i.e. a Social Security Number. Calling it a “social” makes it sound like the password to some party-filled, fun-packed lifestyle. That’s not far wrong as without these all-important 9 numbers, you pretty much can’t have a lifestyle at all - no bank account, no credit card, not even a driver’s license.

So what does a subalien do? Well, like over sub life forms waiting for evolution to give them a leg up on the ladder of existence, I have plenty of time to observe and these, dear reader, are my observations…..

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

The Movember challenge - forget Hallowe'en, this is the real hair-raising experience

We’re in the middle of a hairy situation – it’s November 15th and hence half–way through Movember, a great planetary tradition in which certain local aliens (as opposed to the alienettes) forgo facial harvesting for the month of November and put their money where their mouth is - or just above their mouth to be exact.

The point (or eventual points) of this forbearance is that said nurturing of hairy upper lip is a constant source of amusement for fellow alien and alienettes who, in gratitude for this moment of light relief in the darkening autumn days, donate to help raise awareness and funds for men’s health issues such as prostate cancer.

As you have probably gathered, Superalien has decided to go native and join his 'mo bros' as they are known. There are certain rules – there is to be no joining of the mo to side burns (that apparently is called a beard). Nor should any bristly handlebars connect to one’s chin (there goes the Johnny Depp/Captain Jack Sparrow goatee look!) Mo bros should “grow and groom” and lastly, conduct themselves like true country gentlemen.

I don’t know about a country gentleman or Captain Jack – we’re currently more at the Farmer Jack stage in our household. Still I have to say that I do feel closer to nature at the moment when Super is around - thanks to the giant hairy caterpillar permanently nesting on his upper lip.

There is a certain air of excitement in the house as to what the caterpillar is going to transform into – will it develop “wings” and transform Superalien into Super-Victorian-acrobat? Or will he dabble with a Dali, grapple with a Clark Gable or wrestle with a Wario? Personally I think he’s secretly going for the Sean Connery look, especially given they share the same hairstyle!

Of course it takes more than just the ability to grow facial hair to get through this experience. For the first two weeks you have to be able to withstand the side glances from complete strangers as they try to decide whether you were just feeling lazy that morning or going for, as one of our neighbours put it, that "weekend look". Then there's the repeated shocks you must suffer each time you look into the mirror and discover that you are more Charlie Chaplin than the mental image of Zorro you cherished in your mind.

And it's not just the mo bros who have to suffer. We mo sistas have to make our sacrifices as well and I haven't (as yet) started insisting on the use of hair conditioner - something Superalien has not had the need to apply for many years (see reference to Sean Connery's hairstyle for those who do not know him).

But we're proud of our Superhairy-one, so proud that when he first announced his intention to get involved in this worthy cause, we presented him with the ultimate mo bro accessory for his bike. A giant, attachable (can you see it coming) - handlebar moustache. Now that's a mo bro with mojo!

Creative Commons License by Caroline Eagles is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.